Heidi's Blog

Monday, December 15, 2008, 09:07 AM ( 6 views )  - Posted by Heidi
The Lord came to me like a dream one day and asked, why do you sorrow
I answered, Lord my life is so full of pain, I can’t face one more tomorrow.

The Lord sat down beside me, and gently took my hand.
He said, Let me explain to you and then you’ll understand.

Each sorrow is a stepping stone you must surmount each day,
And every stepping stone you climb is a sorrow that’s passed away.

The road of life is a mountainside, with crevices in which to be caught,
But as you struggle on your way, I, the Rock, will lend support.

Every stepping stone you climb, makes spirit and heart grow strong.
Exercising character and faith this road seems painful and long.

The way is paved with stepping stones, to uplift your heart and soul,
Though difficult they aid your way, to a City paved with gold.

I know that you are tired, for I too have walked this way,
My sorrows did they multiply, but I cleared the stones away.

I left my rock to lift you up, I left behind my story.
To give you strength to make your climb, to that special place in glory.

And never fear, the Rock is here, You’ll never climb alone
Surmount life’s sorrows, continue on, For they are but stepping stones.


Friday, December 12, 2008, 09:28 AM ( 5 views )  - Posted by Heidi
Love isn’t always a butterflies in your stomach, abandoned all logic feeling of angst. The older I get, and perhaps just a little wiser, I have discovered that love doesn’t come at you with a feeling of uneasiness. It can be as simple as a conversation with someone in a red hat leaning on a fence on a warm spring night. A person you haven’t talk to in months and what your saying isn’t what you want to say but you can see in their eyes that they know and understand. Love holds your hand and supports you when the world says your wrong but you just know you’re right. It doesn’t end just because you cant see or hear it, it sticks with you when it shouldn’t, gives a little more than it should and helps dry your tears. I no longer believe that love has to tie you up in knots, I now know that it’s purpose is to gently untangle you with comfort and a sigh of relief.

Tell me who admires you and loves you, and I will tell you who you are.
- Charles Augustin Sainte-Beauve

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate;only love can do that. - Martin Luther King

A loving heart is the truest wisdom. - Charles Dickens

Wednesday, December 10, 2008, 11:03 AM ( 5 views )  - Posted by Heidi
I know, I know I have heard, read, and been told that everyone grieves differently. People all experiencing the same loss can move away from the pain and toward acceptance more swiftly than others and each one of us find a place for this tremendous loss in our own time. Sounds great in theory but as Christmas approaches and I am in the thick of grief I am finding it infuriating. Everyone around me seems to have this attitude of getting back to normal, moving forward or just getting on with it. I keep asking myself, in an effort to follow suit, what normal was and what it would take to get back there? For me normal was starting my Christmas shopping in November, counting presents to make sure each child had the same number, done in an effort to avoid another feud. Wrapping packages for days and sending Jeremy to get batteries at 11 o’clock on Christmas Eve. Baking cookies with my Three Amigos special for St. Nick and begging them to go to sleep so Santa wouldn’t skip our house. Waking up at 6 to screams of delight and watching there expressions as wrapping paper covered the floor like confetti. The joy, the laughter…the Holiday. That normal can never be achieved for me again. Just the site of a Christmas tree in the mall brings me instantly to tears, I shop for yard art for my Son’s memorial classroom instead of a new bike or the exact Xbox game on the scribbled letter to Santa. I hurt, I feel angry and as much as I want my normal it’s unobtainable and as everyone finds their new normal I still struggle with a lonely longing for my old one.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008, 09:34 AM ( 8 views )  - Posted by Heidi
The lessons I have learned over the past seventeen months are many. I’m not sure however if any of them are useful. I know now that it takes two hours to paint a bedroom and that the detailed work makes a wonderful distraction from life’s torments. I know that it takes a week to read a book and you can momentarily loose yourself in another world that’s thankfully not your own. I know that it takes a matter of hours to fly to anywhere you want to be but you always carry the pain with you weather you intentionally pack it or not. I have discovered it takes about three weeks to recover from a lost love and about the same amount of time to believe you might have found another spark…but I still don’t know how to fill this empty space left behind by the loss of my Son. It is a hollow, dark, raw open hole that stitches wont adequately mend, possessions don’t make a dent in its depths and as the minutes turn to hours then days and the days become months then seasons pass it is still within me. My heart peeks out waiting for me to figure it out and I don’t have the answer. The weather changes from warm to cool and the butterflies are replaced by falling leaves and I watch and wait for the answer to the one question that perplexes me time and time again. One thing I know for sure; most of our dilemmas can be figured out, overcome or dealt with but the scars of some of life’s battles will just remain in wait for us, maybe not to figure out, but perhaps to accept.

Sunday, November 9, 2008, 01:22 PM ( 6 views )  - Posted by Heidi
I was realizing yesterday just how many of life’s little celebrations have become obstacles. J.T died on Friday . Friday, once a day of relief for the end of the week, is now an obstacle that I must pack up my trunk of existence and overcome. His Birthday, September 19th, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas…All days that once held the excitement of tradition and are now days that must all be merely survived. The more I speak to parents who have suffered the same loss the more I grasp that this feeling is universal. Lives that were once celebrated are now survived. Just one of life’s many gifts, taken with the loss of a child. Yes we find new ways to extract the joys out of life but its no longer as simple as just existing it now takes a great effort, focused intent, daily prayer for peace, and a stubborn will to make life worth living.

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