As thoughts of J.T. bud and blossom in my head like tender roses in spring I find my self wanting to share these memories with others. Sometimes I want to share them with someone who experienced those moments with me but often times I want to paint them in vivid color on a fresh canvas, someone who never had the opportunity to know J.T.’s humor or intelligence.

The act of sharing these stories is somewhat medicinal to me. I know when we speak of him the grief is no longer only significant to me but it continues to affect others. I feel like the sweet fragrant memories blooming in the minds of those who loved him gives J.T. a beautiful garden of red, yellow, orange, and pink to frolic in…a mere piece of him to forever keep with us.

As Long as There's a Christmas
The first few lights glow brightly,
as you watch the season start.
You know you should be happy,
but don't feel it in your heart.

Instead you think about a time
when someone laughed with you,
and the love you shared then filled your soul.
But too soon it was through.

So Christmas comes with sadness,
and a yearning deep inside,
a thirst for love and peace and hope
that will not be denied.

Late one night you hear a voice,
so soft, and without blame,
and then, surprised, you realize,
He's calling you by name.

"I know your hurt and loneliness,
the heartache that you bear.
I listen and I cry with you
through every single prayer.

"I promised in the manger
and fulfilled it from the cross.
I built a home that's filled with love
for all those who are lost.

"So let me come and heal your heart
and give you rest within.
For my way is kind and gentle
and will bring you joy again."

His words still echo through the years,
a vow that He made true,
"As long as there's a Christmas,
I will be in love with you."
--Jack Zavada

Christmas was once a busy time of preparation and celebration for us, it brought joy to our home in the form of shiny wrapped packages, twinkling lights and laughter. This year our house is draped in sadness. I refused to put up a tree because the thought of facing it everyday, a constant reminder in my home, seems cruel. We wont have lights or presents or stockings. Maybe Christmas won’t always be non-existent here perhaps we will once again find some joy in this time of year but not now, for now there is something missing, our joy and someone missing, our son.

In the last six months it seems as though my old companion time has now become my arch nemesis. On the hard days time crawls by me like a sick rabid animal trying to find his final resting place. On the mild days it is fleeting like a humming bird buzzing by in search of precious nectar. Time no longer does what I will it to do almost as if to spite me. On the days that I feel like I am in anticipation the seconds click in my head like footsteps on a mausoleum floor. I am not sure why anticipation has this affect on the clock or exactly what I am anticipating but the mix of time and anticipation is a toxic bitter cocktail that is impossible to swallow. My aticipation grows with the approaching holiday and my questions reverberate so loudly…How will I cope? Where can I escape? and as the anticipation and the questions mount time cowards in the corner making its presence known only by its lack of cooperation.

Sometimes when I am somewhere familiar I find my mind playing games with me. I am not sure if they are games of protection, comfort, or just my mind doing what it is used to. When I am at home I expect to see J.T. coming down the stairs…when I set the table I still set his place. Today I was at his elementary school and I watched the fourth grade pour out of their classes into the cafeteria. I didn’t watch with sadness or remorse but with anticipation. The anticipation that any moment he would emerge into the crowd of round happy faces. When he doesn’t appear I have almost a moment of panic, then I remember…he won’t be there. Change is so difficult to accept on a small scale, so I can only imagine losing a piece of yourself would take a bit longer. I don’t know if I will move into a place of acceptance or if these expectations will remain with me for eternity.