Anyone who has ever lost someone tells you "all the first are the hardest". As the holidays approach I am finding this to be so true. I went shopping Friday and they had Christmas trees up already. As I looked at the trees and the thoughts filled my head (and poured out of my eyes) I realized how different everything would be from here on out. Halloween will not be the same, nor Thanksgiving or Christmas. Not just this year but every year from this point on. I began to become overwhelmed at the thought of all the Holidays coming, I had almost an angry point of view, wanting the world to just STOP for a while and let me catch up. Then I realized this year will be hard...well lets just be honest...damn near impossible and time won't fix that, how could it, all it does is pass but sometimes I don't think that it is time that heals our pain but rather the acceptance of our pain that heals us.

I lie here paralytic
Inside this soul
Screaming to you till
My throat is numb


I wanna break out, I need a way out
I don't believe that it's gotta be this way
The worst is, the waiting
In this room I'm suffocating


Feel your presence
Filling up my lungs with oxygen
I take you in
I've died


(chorus)
Rebirthing now
I wanna live for love
Wanna live for you and me
(Breathe for the first time now
I come alive somehow)
Rebirthing now
I wanna live my life
wanna give you everything
(Breathe for the first time now
I come alive somehow)


Right now
Right now


I lie here lifeless
In this cocoon
Shedding my skin cause
I'm ready to


I wanna break out, I found a way out
I don't believe that it's gotta be this way
The worst, is the waiting
In this room I'm suffocating


Feel your presence
Filling up my lungs with oxygen
I take you in
I've died


(chorus)


Tell me when I'm gonna live again
Tell me when I'm gonna breathe you in
Tell me when I'm gonna feel inside
Tell me when I'm gonna feel alive


Tell me when I'm gonna live again
Tell me when this fear will end
Tell me when I'm gonna feel inside
Tell me when I'm gonna feel alive


(chorus)


Right Now (I come alive somehow)
Right Now (I come alive somehow)


Sorry if the songs a little too loud for your taste but it's just how I'm feeling today. Don't worry it'll probably only be up for a few weeks anyway.

Ryan

At the finest level of my being, You're still with me.
We still look at each other at that level beyond sight.
We talk and laugh with each other on a level beyond touch.
We share time together in a place where time stands still.
We are still together on a level called love.
But I cry for you alone in a place called reality.
- Richard Lepinsky

Happy Birthday J.T. Everyday without you is a river of pain. Sometimes it flows gently and just the sound of it reminds me your gone, sometimes its like the rapids and I fight and struggle just to keep from drowning. I am so grateful for your brother and sister because in them I see what your were and what you might have become. I know that God has given you a wonderful job and it fulfills the purpose for which you were created, but please know that as long as there is me there is you and I will carry you with me until my last step. Things may come and go but my love never will. I love you, I miss you, Happy Birthday baby. Mom