Heidi's Blog

Sunday, July 6, 2008, 09:51 PM ( 34 views )  - Posted by Heidi
One's first step in wisdom is to question everything - and one's last is to come to terms with everything.
- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

I’m not exactly sure if we ever come to terms with the loss of a child or if we as human beings can comprehend the unknown. Faith of course tells me I should know my little boy is “in a better place” but how do I know without holding him in my arms or tucking him in at night? How can I ever believe that the place he had here wasn’t the best place for him? A place where someone knew how he liked his hamburgers without cheese or mustard, a place where a look was interpreted without conversation, a place where love flowed onto him religiously and unconditionally. I think I have decided until the day comes when I can see for myself this place that we refer to as better I will continue to question everything.

Monday, June 30, 2008, 09:28 AM ( 4 views )  - Posted by Heidi
I woke up early this morning before the hum of traffic on the Seawall could obstruct a view of the baby blue and orange sky touching the deep blue of the ocean on the horizon. I watched the white capped waves roll in while the seagulls hungrily squawked good morning. The crash of the waves momentarily snuffing out the burning pain in my heart. I was graciously reminded once again of the healing power of God’s nature because for once I let go of the could haves, the should haves, and the what if’s and clung to the possibility of what might be. I pictured us all together walking on that sandy beach, the waves tickling our toes and the sun illuminating J.T.’s golden skin I reached down and ruffled his soft blonde hair and said “I’ve missed you baby” and he simply replied “I’ve been here all along”.

Friday, June 27, 2008, 09:16 AM ( 5 views )  - Posted by Heidi
The first person that arrived to help my family on the night of J.T.'s accident was a Game Warden named Ellis Powell. He wrote this letter to J.T. for the one year anniversary of his death. I found it a touching tribute to my son and wanted to share it...


I just wanted to write you a letter and explain a few things. I know that you already know all of this. First I wanted to say hello, it’s been almost a year since we met. The first time I looked at your face I knew you were a special kid. In that year, as you’ve noticed, I have become friends with your family. I know that you are the man in your house and will protect your mother, sister and brother at all cost. Just know that I will never let you down and always try to do right for you and protect them. I tell you this man to man and shake your hand to prove it. I have no doubt that you guide and protect them daily as you have done me a few times.
I often listen to your mother talk about you and the love she has for you cannot be measured. My sorrow and pain is selfish but it bothers me deeply that I will not get the chance to watch you change the world. Well not in not in a way that I can understand. The things I hear about you give me a brief glimpse into your life. It’s just as simple as I want to walk through the woods with you and have you explain nature. You see you and I both have a view and understanding of nature that many people don’t have. I know that we would have been great partners. The knowledge compassion and understanding you have of nature at your age is amazing and always one of the first things people say about you.
Brother the day I met you is without a doubt the worst day of my life. I know that when we met you wanted to explain to me that you are ok. But it doesn’t work like that so you have to let us stumble through our sorrow. By the way when I call you brother I mean it in a way that I use to talk to my friends, which you have become. I find it very hard and very easy to explain all of this to you. Hard because we have never spent time together and I have to know you through your family. Easy because I know you can read these thoughts before they ever hit the page and you are always around. People would think that a kid your age couldn’t or wouldn’t want to talk about stuff like this, but something tells me you completely grasp the meaning of my thoughts.
I am sure people told you this, like your mom, but the light I see in your eyes shows me that your mind was expanding constantly. In fact I know that a small part of that light became me when I met you. I can never thank you for passing that on to me and helping me grow and be a better person. However, I wish you would explain to me how you are ok and that you will still directly affect the world. I listen to stories about you and imagine the lives that would have changed because of interacting with you. I end by asking a favor, when you see me about to make a consciously poor choice would please put your hand on my shoulder. We’ll talk again, until then take care. And I am so very proud to call you my friend.

Your Friend and Brother in Arms,

Monday, June 23, 2008, 10:03 AM ( 49 views )  - Posted by Heidi
I sit here today one year and one day past the horrific moment I lost my Son. For once the anticipation of the day didn’t overpower the emotion and did nothing to warn me of the heartache I would feel. Yesterday I went to the site of J.T.’s accident , I stood there and watched my Dad place a sandstone marker on the spot where my Son lost his precious life, I watched him toil in his pain and questions. I looked over that flat unremarkable piece of earth and became overwhelmed with anger and lack of understanding. I heard the strain in my Mother’s voice as she grieved for her Grandson, I watched the tears fall down the round cheeks of my children’s faces as they struggled to comprehend and clung to each other for comfort. I felt the hole in my heart rip open once again becoming a raw and deep void where my baby belongs and stood there helpless to fix it for any of us. I became one again with the sharp and hot emotion of the beginning physically aching for his missing presence with no relief in sight longing for a patch for this damaged and broken heart.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008, 11:32 AM ( 6 views )  - Posted by Heidi
There is so many things I wish J.T. could have seen and experienced. As I look around I try to see things the way he would of, with love of nature, compassion and joy. With the pain in my heart this task is not an easy one and I miss him endlessly.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
~Hellen Keller ~

For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it.
For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it.
For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.
~Ivan Panin ~

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