Heidi's Blog

Monday, June 23, 2008, 10:03 AM ( 49 views )  - Posted by Heidi
I sit here today one year and one day past the horrific moment I lost my Son. For once the anticipation of the day didn’t overpower the emotion and did nothing to warn me of the heartache I would feel. Yesterday I went to the site of J.T.’s accident , I stood there and watched my Dad place a sandstone marker on the spot where my Son lost his precious life, I watched him toil in his pain and questions. I looked over that flat unremarkable piece of earth and became overwhelmed with anger and lack of understanding. I heard the strain in my Mother’s voice as she grieved for her Grandson, I watched the tears fall down the round cheeks of my children’s faces as they struggled to comprehend and clung to each other for comfort. I felt the hole in my heart rip open once again becoming a raw and deep void where my baby belongs and stood there helpless to fix it for any of us. I became one again with the sharp and hot emotion of the beginning physically aching for his missing presence with no relief in sight longing for a patch for this damaged and broken heart.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008, 11:32 AM ( 6 views )  - Posted by Heidi
There is so many things I wish J.T. could have seen and experienced. As I look around I try to see things the way he would of, with love of nature, compassion and joy. With the pain in my heart this task is not an easy one and I miss him endlessly.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
~Hellen Keller ~

For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it.
For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it.
For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.
~Ivan Panin ~

Sunday, June 8, 2008, 08:43 PM ( 5 views )  - Posted by Heidi
This is a picture that my daughter Madison took at the lake on my birthday. When I look at it I see our lives as we live them now, constantly looking back at something beautiful.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008, 03:43 PM ( 3 views )  - Posted by Heidi
Here I sit in so much pain
Understanding is what I hope to gain

Waiting for the pain to cease
Praying for a sweet release

But here I do not sit alone
It seems that my community has grown

They all arrive those who understand
Gathering around and holding hands

Knowing the pain to loose a Son
Because they too have lost one

We stand together for what is right
Becoming one unstoppable light

For my friends in loss who constantly find a way to comfort, console, and inspire me

Tuesday, June 3, 2008, 03:28 PM ( 4 views )  - Posted by Heidi
I have clawed my way up to what I thought was a mountain only to look back and discover a hill. I am still not sure what I thought a year would heal for me. It stood in my mind like a magic number however as that number approaches I have learned that 365 days will not cure my grief. It’s almost humorous to me now as I look around my bedroom reading the titles of the books that litter the left side of my bed. “Daily Meditation” which has 365 days of inspiration. I shake my head and mumble “promises promises” because soon the book will end but I fear the grief will not. As difficult as that idea is to accept I feel that if I change course and find the positives they will become a beacon, which will illuminate the path that lay ahead. The memories becoming much sweeter now and more precious, kept in a big box next to my heart wrapped in white shiny paper with a giant crimson bow. I find myself constantly lifting the lid and letting his essence flutter through my mind like the yellow butterflies in my flower garden each time becoming more and more abundantly thankful for the experience of J.T. and the ways he enriched my life.

My grief and pain are mine. I have earned them. They are part of me. Only by feeling them do I open myself up to the lessons they can teach.
– Anne Wilson Schaef

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