Heidi's Blog

Friday, February 13, 2009, 06:25 AM ( 9 views )  - Posted by Heidi
I heard that song this morning “Rose Colored Glasses” you had your part, I had mine and we would sing in the car and the top of our lungs, instead of changing it laughing through my tears, I sang for you…Like I knew I would.

I went to the store today just to pick up a few things we needed and down the cereal aisle sat a box of Frosted Mini Wheat’s and I remembered how much you loved them so I bought them for you…Like I knew I would.

I found a picture in the top drawer of my dresser, the one where you are looking at Madie with amazement in your matching fish shirts and Kenny was obviously screaming in his car seat, remember? I thought of that moment and how being in it with you again would be a gift and I cried for you…Like I knew I would.

I’m going to the Elementary school later for Kenny’s Valentine Party. Did you know that Kenny is in the same room you were in in third grade? I will walk in and picture your math stars plastered on the cabinet or the chop sticks, weren’t those fun? I will bite down hard on my bottom lip and think of you…I know I will.

All the things we did and the memories I have, the simple things that trigger your laugh in my mind everyday…I guess I just miss you…Like I always will.




Thursday, February 12, 2009, 09:45 AM ( 6 views )  - Posted by Heidi
I am downstairs sitting in my recliner watching TV. The recliner is in our little living room right at the base of the stairs. Sometimes I can see J.T. just out of the corner of my eye coming down. I hear the squeak of the third stair and see a flash of blonde shaggy hair. I find myself washed in a sense of relief until I turn to welcome him and find he wasn’t there and the sharp pain of disappointment stabs me back into reality. Do you ever do that?



I am lying in bed lost somewhere in a delightful dream. It is a sunny day and I am walking in a bountiful garden of colorful flowers, butterflies and that sweet smell that signifies Spring. I am looking for something beyond the blooms when I see him. My precious angel walking toward me with that look, that look that means “I want to tell you something!” I begin to move toward him anxious to hear that beautiful secret but I can’t get there and he manages somehow to remain just out of my reach, jolting me awake with frustration. Do you ever do that?



I go upstairs and around the corner to the end of the hall then pause with my hand on the knob to the door that holds the past, J.T.’s room. I open it slowly savoring that familiar smell. Just as he left it, shoes by the bed, his NFL comforter strewn across the bottom bunk and his robe still hanging on the ladder. I stand in the center of the room making slow circles with my body while conversations swim in my head. “Clean your room Bubba, this place is a mess!” I laugh thinking how relieved I am now that he didn’t, it is so much better just like this. I touch everything picturing it in his hand, I open the drawers to find his secret notes and hidden candy wrappers, I lay on his bed and talk to the ceiling whispering my regrets and devotion and for a moment I feel connected and reassured that he was here and he was mine. Do you ever do that?



Tuesday, February 10, 2009, 09:41 AM ( 31 views )  - Posted by Heidi
Today I post for Andrew Bahl, the beautiful angel who was taken by the Yamaha Rhino on August 24th, 2008 at three years old. His Mother has told me some about that day and their story sounds all too familiar with phrases like “This means so much to have Andrew out there and for people to realize that this does happen to children as young as three years old. Even if it's just a SLOW ride in your FRONT YARD!! “ Her words express the words of so many other grieving mothers like me who just don’t understand how the Yamaha Rhino can be so unstable that it kills even when operated carefully. I don’t think it something we should have to force ourselves to understand but something that we must force to stop happening. Her words also convey her great love for Andrew and a glimpse into the type of little boy he was “ He was my little fish in the summer who loved to play with the hose at Gamma and Papa's, the one who could dance the night away with his Mommy, the one who would play in the dirt whether he was wearing his Sunday best or not as that always got a good laugh out of Daddy, and the one that would always give a great smile when getting his pictures taken - cheesy or not.” The world will miss Andrew his cheesy smile, his potential and his radiating light.



Tiny Angels

Tiny Angels rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long....
Why is it, you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,
"These things I do not know....
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so".

Author Unknown


Monday, February 9, 2009, 09:55 AM ( 10 views )  - Posted by Heidi
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been fixed.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television - and more while watching life.

I would have listened more to my friends and complained less.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."

There would have been more "I love yous"... more "I'm sorrys"...but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute... look at it and really see it...live it...never give it back…and learned these things long ago.

"Be courageous and bold. When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did."



Monday, February 2, 2009, 09:41 AM ( 3 views )  - Posted by Heidi
The show goes on…wake up, drink coffee. Make breakfast, take a shower but inside my mind she screams. This grieving mother screams, searching for her baby racked with despair and no ability to set aside her terror or pain. “I hear you” I say sometimes aloud into the air, in hopes to calm her for a moment but it doesn’t work. I take the kids to school and they pile out with backpacks and lunch boxes, I waive and say goodbye and then she cries louder, perhaps thinking now she has my full attention and I will give in, stopping time and joining her search. “I want to, but I can’t now.” I tell her in an effort to placate her. I run errands in town, the grocery store, the pharmacy all the while putting on a good show complete with wardrobe and makeup. Someone asks “How are you?” and I give the standard response “Fine and you?” We chat a while about the weather or our children and I try to focus and listen while she shouts in terror “HELP ME!” I find refuge in my car and scold her “ I Hate it when you do that, just calm down!” I demand of her to no avail. Hands on the wheel, I go to pick up the children from school sitting in the line of cars looking out the window at the playground. This is where J.T. had his Easter Egg Hunts, end of the year picnics and play days I can see him standing by the big tree smiling for a photo. I want it to be a pleasant memory, perhaps bringing a flicker of joy to my face but there is no time, she has lost it now. She’s on her knees convulsing with sobs, muscles sore and buckled from tension and pain, and as she crawls away to vomit and the curtain closes I once again taste the tears of defeat run down my face.

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