Heidi's Blog

Monday, February 23, 2009, 07:55 PM ( 26 views )  - Posted by Heidi
My Mom tells me all the time “The minute you set your mind to something all the negatives hit you in the face.” Ok Mom as much as I hate to admit it… you’re right. Here I am on my quest for peace and who should show up banging on my door but Anger himself. I swing open the door to confront that gnarly beast and say “What are you doing here? Can’t you see I’m on the beach, my toes in the sand, the sun on my back and the kids just started laughing over their lopsided sandcastle?” He pushes past me into the living room and sits his revolting, filthy, putrid self on my beige sofa and announces “Your going to deal with me one way or another!” Good ole’ Anger, I have fed him so long he resembles some kind of overindulged, overweight giant mealworm. I decide he needs one more meal before his long overdue diet so I lean back in my chair and inhale a nose full of his stench, then sit up and slowly exhale and say “Here you go fatty, snack on this! I am angry because I believe Yamaha killed my son. I believe they miss designed the Rhino and knew it before they even ever sold one! This injustice has cost me way more than I was willing to pay and I don’t think they care! They even painted the Rhino’s the appropriate colors, Red for the innocent blood they spilled all across this country, Green for the money they made off of these murders without conscious, and Camouflage to conceal the mistakes they knowingly made. I believe some of the salesmen misrepresent the Rhino as safe, helping people to purchase their very own murder weapon! I believe there should be a real recall not just some offer of doors, I believe all of the problems with the Rhino like the too narrow track width and the lack of foot and arm protection, the inadequate roll bar and seatbelts should be corrected before one more unit is sold and I believe that Yamaha should do this, not because they HAVE to but because they have one tiny ounce of human compassion for there fellow man, BUT THEY DON’T!” I stop talking to catch my breath from my rant and smile to see J.T. out of the corner of my eye doing a victory dance because I just told Anger where to stick it, and then it hit me… The anger I just vented is justified, being mad and wanting to force change in Yamaha is alright it is my habit of turning other emotions into anger that is toxic. I have developed the ability to turn sadness into anger because heartache can’t be thrown at someone, it just sits inside me weeping. I can even skillfully turn my guilt over happy feelings into anger because then it is vented and not eating me alive from the inside out. These reasons for being angry are not justified and the true emotions that lay beneath should be acceptable to feel and ultimately need to be felt, not fed to anger, so I can truly move forward in this journey.

Anybody can become angry--that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way--that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.
- Aristotle

Thursday, February 19, 2009, 09:42 AM ( 30 views )  - Posted by Heidi
The challenge I set before myself in the below blog “Spirit Of A Storm” is one I choose to accept, to find peace. Peace I believe is personal and unique to each of us, to me it is a feeling, a feeling I can only describe as sitting on a beach facing the water with my toes in the warm sand and the rhythmic sound of the waves rolling in. I can lean my head back, close my eyes and feel the sun on my shoulders while simultaneously a crisp sea breeze blows across me making the temperature just perfect. I hear birds squawking quietly in the distance and the sound of my children laughing over a lopsided sandcastle…Peace. My goal I suppose is to have that feeling without relocating, to find that beach inside myself and dwell there where worries take a back seat to just living in that moment, where life ceases to just pass me by, where anger doesn’t dominate my thoughts and joy is found in the simplicity of it all.
The truth is I am angry a lot and I tell myself that I have a right to be and after all anger can be a great motivator in rectifying what happened to J.T. and making sure Yamaha is stopped but there is a little voice inside that often speaks out in my rage saying love can be an even greater motivator without so many of the negative side effects. That little voice is J.T.’s so how could I choose not to listen? So that is my mission and hopefully I will find a way to arrive at a more peaceful place in the next few weeks and I will share with you my journey and what I learn.

Many a happiness in life, as many a disaster, can be due to chance, but the peace within us can never be governed by chance.
- Maurice Maeterlinck

Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven ... A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1,8

Tuesday, February 17, 2009, 09:11 AM ( 45 views )  - Posted by Heidi
These past few days I have definitely felt like I am being challenged to discover my feelings about God and the murder of my son. Challenged through those close to me in my life to perhaps stop asking for peace and start looking for it. I believe it is time for me to actively work on those emotions that I cast so easily aside in my disappointment and anger in the beginning. That never easy task of retracing steps to find what I’ve missed, clean up my mess and tie up loose ends until I can see things more clearly. It isn’t a place I want to go, back to those depths of emotion I have buried, but my spirit is anxious, in need of answers and it lies within me restless to begin this search. I’m not sure if I will come to terms with it all or anything for that matter because I have my own stubborn strong resolve that I use as a shield when the storm comes, but I will try, and perhaps along my backward travel I will learn something, change something or accept something like I have done a thousand times over the past 20 months. My only fear now is that a venture of this size might just change me.

"There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul
A restlessness that I can’t seem to tame
Thunder and lightning follow everywhere I go
There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul.

There’s a hurricane that’s raging through my blood
I can’t find a way to calm the sea
Maybe I’ll find someday the waters aren’t so rushed
Right now they’ve got the best of me
And oh, it’s been a long, long time
Since I had real peace of mind
So I’m just going to sit right here
In this old chair till this storm rolls by.

Oh, maybe it’s just the way I am
Maybe I won’t ever change
So I’m just going to sit right here
In this old chair and just soak up the rain.

There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul
Every time I think it’s gone away
Dark clouds gather, that old wind begins to blow
The sun’s going to shine someday I hope
There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul, in my soul."

Artist: Chesney Kenny
Song: Spirit Of A Storm
Album: Lucky Old Sun

Friday, February 13, 2009, 06:25 AM ( 9 views )  - Posted by Heidi
I heard that song this morning “Rose Colored Glasses” you had your part, I had mine and we would sing in the car and the top of our lungs, instead of changing it laughing through my tears, I sang for you…Like I knew I would.

I went to the store today just to pick up a few things we needed and down the cereal aisle sat a box of Frosted Mini Wheat’s and I remembered how much you loved them so I bought them for you…Like I knew I would.

I found a picture in the top drawer of my dresser, the one where you are looking at Madie with amazement in your matching fish shirts and Kenny was obviously screaming in his car seat, remember? I thought of that moment and how being in it with you again would be a gift and I cried for you…Like I knew I would.

I’m going to the Elementary school later for Kenny’s Valentine Party. Did you know that Kenny is in the same room you were in in third grade? I will walk in and picture your math stars plastered on the cabinet or the chop sticks, weren’t those fun? I will bite down hard on my bottom lip and think of you…I know I will.

All the things we did and the memories I have, the simple things that trigger your laugh in my mind everyday…I guess I just miss you…Like I always will.

Thursday, February 12, 2009, 09:45 AM ( 6 views )  - Posted by Heidi
I am downstairs sitting in my recliner watching TV. The recliner is in our little living room right at the base of the stairs. Sometimes I can see J.T. just out of the corner of my eye coming down. I hear the squeak of the third stair and see a flash of blonde shaggy hair. I find myself washed in a sense of relief until I turn to welcome him and find he wasn’t there and the sharp pain of disappointment stabs me back into reality. Do you ever do that?

I am lying in bed lost somewhere in a delightful dream. It is a sunny day and I am walking in a bountiful garden of colorful flowers, butterflies and that sweet smell that signifies Spring. I am looking for something beyond the blooms when I see him. My precious angel walking toward me with that look, that look that means “I want to tell you something!” I begin to move toward him anxious to hear that beautiful secret but I can’t get there and he manages somehow to remain just out of my reach, jolting me awake with frustration. Do you ever do that?

I go upstairs and around the corner to the end of the hall then pause with my hand on the knob to the door that holds the past, J.T.’s room. I open it slowly savoring that familiar smell. Just as he left it, shoes by the bed, his NFL comforter strewn across the bottom bunk and his robe still hanging on the ladder. I stand in the center of the room making slow circles with my body while conversations swim in my head. “Clean your room Bubba, this place is a mess!” I laugh thinking how relieved I am now that he didn’t, it is so much better just like this. I touch everything picturing it in his hand, I open the drawers to find his secret notes and hidden candy wrappers, I lay on his bed and talk to the ceiling whispering my regrets and devotion and for a moment I feel connected and reassured that he was here and he was mine. Do you ever do that?

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