Heidi's Blog

Tuesday, January 29, 2008, 09:58 AM ( 2 views )  - Posted by Administrator
In search of answers to the questions in my mind I force myself to reach out and try to find someone experiencing this life the way I am. I haven’t yet found that person. I’m not sure if I will stumble upon someone who will offer up the right words or the “magic” pill or if it will be a collection of comfort that I gather from many that will ultimately end my query. My journey along this path reminds me of a story of a woman who was looking for healing after the death of her child. She was told that to accomplish this she needed to find a mustard seed from a household that had never known sorrow. She traveled the world in vain, never finding such a household, but found instead- understanding, compassion, friendship, and truth.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008, 09:28 PM ( 1 view )  - Posted by Administrator
Through reading this you have been invited to take a journey to the innermost depths of my core. You see me here looking whole on the outside not knowing the bent and gnarled woman that lies below the surface in a place where pain hangs on lines like laundry. The blood on it washed out by the backwash from the littered streets attempting to air dry in a never-ending gray mist of emotion. A place where I wander with a wishful spirit praying for a non-existent rainbow in front of an imaginary golden sun. You have joined me on a cold and treacherous journey through the worst possible place a mother can reside, a world without her child.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008, 09:18 PM ( 1 view )  - Posted by Administrator
I have grown rather weary of trying to unfold myself from this pain and decipher who I am now. Each emotion is so enormous that by the time I crawl to the top of it and conquer it, night has fallen, and there is no time left to enjoy the victory. I ask myself “How many days can I fight and win this same battle? How do I wake up tomorrow and just begin again?” I don’t know why I choose to keep crawling up these emotions to attempt to get a grip on them. I’m not sure what it is inside each one of us that drives us to survive our misfortunes, perhaps high atop our woes we see the flicker of hope burning dimly in the distance and we are like moths drawn to the flame. We grasp to the idea that hope waits patiently for us to overcome our darkness and finally defeat our despair.

Monday, January 14, 2008, 09:37 AM ( 53 views )  - Posted by Administrator
The death of J.T. has purchased me a new perspective. The daily details of life that normally would have affected me like boulders being heaved at my head now seem as insignificant as the bite of a mosquito. I have a new ability to know that no matter what is happening now it could be worse, much worse. My purchase has not only granted me a new perspective but a new appreciation as well. An appreciation for what I do have and the beauty that surrounds us all. A unique ability to now truly appreciate the warm sunshine on my back, the wind in my hair, the breath visibly escaping my body on a frigid morning, the love of friendship and the irreplaceable compassion of a community. However beneficial, this acquisition, it is still a costly wisdom and one that I never would have asked for, because the price is infinite and unbearable.

Friday, January 11, 2008, 02:52 PM ( 2 views )  - Posted by Administrator
Whenever I stop and really think about J.T. and try to truly focus on what feelings his memories invoke I continue coming to the same conclusion… the feeling I get is complete. I have had so many emotions since his loss anger, confusion, desperation but the one feeling I long to feel, complete, only happens in my mind. When I close my eyes and remember…waking him up, doctoring his hurts, kissing those little chapped lips I, if only for a moment, feel whole again.

<< <Back | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | Next> >>