Heidi's Blog

Thursday, November 4, 2010, 12:10 PM ( 58 views )  - Posted by Heidi
Where have I been? Obviously up to my elbows in poopy diapers and goopy baby food enjoying the distraction for perhaps too long… But that’s the easy answer isn’t it? It’s been three years since J.T.’s death and I find myself sitting here with the computer in my lap watching the cursor blink… blink… blink, whishing I had the answers to the questions I posed so many months ago, but I don’t. I’m still hollowing out places in my soul trying to find a place for the sadness and grief, slowly coming to the conclusion that we as humans never find a “place” for it we just continuously make room. Organizing and reorganizing memories inside myself so I have them at arms reach one day then buried the next is very time consuming. This chore along with the daily grind of living my life has become quite exhausting. I feel like even when I’m sitting idle, drinking a cup of coffee, or just watching television my subconscious is at work sorting and preparing for the next moment. What do I need to remember now? What can I afford to stuff down? The answers differ day by day. I am sure of this though, at this moment I know no more or no less then the last time I wrote, But at least for today I am still here.

This space is with me all the time it seems. Sometimes the empty space is so real I can almost touch it. I can almost see it. It gets so big sometimes that I can't see anything else. - Arnold and Gemma 1983, 56

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