Heidi's Blog

Monday, February 2, 2009, 09:41 AM ( 3 views )  - Posted by Heidi
The show goes on…wake up, drink coffee. Make breakfast, take a shower but inside my mind she screams. This grieving mother screams, searching for her baby racked with despair and no ability to set aside her terror or pain. “I hear you” I say sometimes aloud into the air, in hopes to calm her for a moment but it doesn’t work. I take the kids to school and they pile out with backpacks and lunch boxes, I waive and say goodbye and then she cries louder, perhaps thinking now she has my full attention and I will give in, stopping time and joining her search. “I want to, but I can’t now.” I tell her in an effort to placate her. I run errands in town, the grocery store, the pharmacy all the while putting on a good show complete with wardrobe and makeup. Someone asks “How are you?” and I give the standard response “Fine and you?” We chat a while about the weather or our children and I try to focus and listen while she shouts in terror “HELP ME!” I find refuge in my car and scold her “ I Hate it when you do that, just calm down!” I demand of her to no avail. Hands on the wheel, I go to pick up the children from school sitting in the line of cars looking out the window at the playground. This is where J.T. had his Easter Egg Hunts, end of the year picnics and play days I can see him standing by the big tree smiling for a photo. I want it to be a pleasant memory, perhaps bringing a flicker of joy to my face but there is no time, she has lost it now. She’s on her knees convulsing with sobs, muscles sore and buckled from tension and pain, and as she crawls away to vomit and the curtain closes I once again taste the tears of defeat run down my face.

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