Heidi's Blog

Wednesday, January 14, 2009, 10:38 AM ( 3 views )  - Posted by Heidi
I keep trying to communicate my feelings of being left behind. Struggling with the loneliness of my loss. Words cant describe the emotions of this emptiness, itís like I got off at the wrong stop or maybe missed the bus all together. Loss, I know in the beginning there were others here with me. We were together sharing pain, tears and strength but it seems as though I just turned around for a second and everyone was gone. Perhaps they have gone back to the path of living. Back to the everyday grind of putting this behind them and forging on. I canít blame them really, I have done it a time or two myself, but not this time. This time I want the memories and pain in front of me, where I can see it, where it enters the room before me and tells the world J.T. Crow was here, he was beautiful and he will live on somehow, even if part of me is sacrificed in doing so. I donít mind really it seams to fit. We sacrifice so much anyway in Motherhood. Our bodies, our freedom, our sleep. We sit through basketball, football, and soccer games where no one ever scores and cheer like itís a championship. We celebrate when a word is spelled right or multiplication is conquered or a room is cleaned, we watch goofy cartoon movies and actually enjoy them and when we canít do all of those mundane, day to day things, we miss them, we long for them. So I donít mind being stuck here because occasionally it feels like he is with me, here where it is still my job to honor and represent him, no I donít mind at all, lonely or not I am grateful.

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