I know, I know I have heard, read, and been told that everyone grieves differently. People all experiencing the same loss can move away from the pain and toward acceptance more swiftly than others and each one of us find a place for this tremendous loss in our own time. Sounds great in theory but as Christmas approaches and I am in the thick of grief I am finding it infuriating. Everyone around me seems to have this attitude of getting back to normal, moving forward or just getting on with it. I keep asking myself, in an effort to follow suit, what normal was and what it would take to get back there? For me normal was starting my Christmas shopping in November, counting presents to make sure each child had the same number, done in an effort to avoid another feud. Wrapping packages for days and sending Jeremy to get batteries at 11 o’clock on Christmas Eve. Baking cookies with my Three Amigos special for St. Nick and begging them to go to sleep so Santa wouldn’t skip our house. Waking up at 6 to screams of delight and watching there expressions as wrapping paper covered the floor like confetti. The joy, the laughter…the Holiday. That normal can never be achieved for me again. Just the site of a Christmas tree in the mall brings me instantly to tears, I shop for yard art for my Son’s memorial classroom instead of a new bike or the exact Xbox game on the scribbled letter to Santa. I hurt, I feel angry and as much as I want my normal it’s unobtainable and as everyone finds their new normal I still struggle with a lonely longing for my old one.