Thursday, November 4, 2010, 12:10 PM ( 27 views ) - Posted by HeidiWhere have I been? Obviously up to my elbows in poopy diapers and goopy baby food enjoying the distraction for perhaps too long… But that’s the easy answer isn’t it? It’s been three years since J.T.’s death and I find myself sitting here with the computer in my lap watching the cursor blink… blink… blink, whishing I had the answers to the questions I posed so many months ago, but I don’t. I’m still hollowing out places in my soul trying to find a place for the sadness and grief, slowly coming to the conclusion that we as humans never find a “place” for it we just continuously make room. Organizing and reorganizing memories inside myself so I have them at arms reach one day then buried the next is very time consuming. This chore along with the daily grind of living my life has become quite exhausting. I feel like even when I’m sitting idle, drinking a cup of coffee, or just watching television my subconscious is at work sorting and preparing for the next moment. What do I need to remember now? What can I afford to stuff down? The answers differ day by day. I am sure of this though, at this moment I know no more or no less then the last time I wrote, But at least for today I am still here.
This space is with me all the time it seems. Sometimes the empty space is so real I can almost touch it. I can almost see it. It gets so big sometimes that I can't see anything else. - Arnold and Gemma 1983, 56
Monday, September 21, 2009, 06:39 PM ( 39 views ) - Posted by Heidi
The Lord once sent an angel down
For all of us to share
A gorgeous little baby boy,
Blue eyes and golden hair
We held him close and nurtured him
With hugs and food and love
We all were so in awe
Of this gift from up above
God provides us with our all,
Talents, family, gold
But we forget that all is his,
Just ours a while to hold
I know that you’ve departed,
But not without a trace
For many times, on many days,
I still see your face
I see you through the teardrops now
Rolling down my cheeks
I see you through the distance
Of the hours, days and weeks
I see you through the pictures
On my wall and in my mind
I see you through the memories of
Days now left behind
I see you through my dreams
On nights when it’s so dark
But most of all I see you
Through the love that’s in my heart
Today you should be twelve years old
I see you clear as day
Taller, bigger, different,
But the same in every way
You’ll always be a part of me
I’ll hold you close and dear
But on this day my heart just screams,
“I wish that you were here”
Tuesday, August 4, 2009, 06:12 PM ( 15 views ) - Posted by HeidiAug. 4, 2009
Trendy Off-Road Vehicle Poses Deadly Risk CBS News Investigation Reveals
More Than 400 Death and Injury Lawsuits Related to Yamaha Rhino
(CBS) It's like a muscle-car for the backcountry - the hottest trend in
off-road vehicles. But a four-month CBS News investigation has found
evidence that the popular Yamaha Rhino doesn't need to be busting over
tough terrain to be dangerous.
"The Yamaha Rhino started to rock and it tipped over on my left side,
crushing my wrist," said Justin Miller, who lost his left hand after a
Rhino accident in May of 2008.
Miller says he wasn't jumping sand dunes or careening around corners -
just driving less than 15 miles per hour on flat ground when his
1,100-pound Rhino rolled over.
Miller told CBS News chief investigative correspondent Armen Keteyian
that he was wearing a helmet, belted in and that he didn't break any
Yamaha disputes that, citing a police report saying Justin was driving
20 miles an hour down a hill and hit a rock.
The Rhino has been a runaway hit in the off-road market since its
introduction in 2003; more than 150,000 have been sold to date. It turns
out no one tracks exactly how many people have been injured while riding
in these recreational vehicles.
But CBS News has learned of at least 440 Rhino-related death and injury
lawsuits across the U.S. - including Justin Miller's.
Miller said that if the rider were leaning left on a Rhino, "it would
The Consumer Product Safety Commission cites hundreds of reported
injuries - including broken bones crushed legs, arms and heads - often
on level ground at relatively low speeds. The commission also cites a
disturbing number of deaths.
"The public needs to be aware that already 59 people have been killed in
these vehicles," said Inez Tenenbaum, head of the CPSC. "It's very high
risk. This vehicle has a high center of gravity and it will turn over."
Last March the CPSC and Yamaha agreed to a voluntary "free repair"
program. Yamaha temporarily suspended sales of all Rhino models and
agreed to make a series of repairs to improve handling and reduce
injuries. The CPSC told people to follow Yamaha safety guidelines,
finding many cases of unbelted riders.
Still the new head of the CSPC says her agency's investigation is far
"We'll continue to look at this, and if we have to take stronger
measures, we will," Tenenbaum said.
Yamaha Motor Corp, which did $16 billion in sales overall last year,
fiercely defends the Rhino. Arguing virtually all accidents are caused
by operator error - ignoring safety warnings, driving too fast on
pavement, or failing to wear seat belts or helmets.
"I think there's just a lot of people out there who give people like me
- my family - bad names and give these machines bad names," said Rhino
rider Darren Thau. "There's a lot of stupid people."
Yet one video shows a Yamaha dealer employee moving a Rhino from one
part of a dealership to another when it tips over.
Turns out, the potential for rollovers was well known to Yamaha
executives. According to documents obtained by CBS News, just 15 months
before its introduction at a testing ground in Kentucky, two riders
rolled over in a prototype for the Rhino. The driver: a Yamaha president
at the time. His passenger: the vice president in charge of Rhino
Development who sustained a foot injury.
Today there are no safety standards for these so-called "side-by-side"
vehicles. Right now, the industry is drafting a set of voluntary ones.
Tenenbaum says that may not be enough.
"With the number of deaths that have already occurred, we're even
thinking we should go to mandatory standards," Tenenbaum said.
Yamaha wouldn't provide someone to speak with us on camera so we went to
their headquarters in Southern California. But despite repeated requests
company lawyers ultimately decided not to let anyone speak on camera.
Yamaha did provide several off-camera interviews and answers to written
questions. In statements to CBS News, Yamaha said: The Rhino "...is a
safe, reliable and versatile vehicle...." and "...has won virtually
every 'first-in-class award' and top safety ratings...and that the
vehicles have been tested for thousands of hours and perform with a high
level of customer satisfaction."
Certainly not for this customer Justin Miller.
"A lot of kids before me had died," he said. "And if we had known that,
we would have never bought this product."
Now, after seven surgeries, 17-year-old Justin Miller is on his way to
college to study pre-med, hoping one day to become a doctor,
specializing in prosthetics.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009, 11:43 PM ( 19 views ) - Posted by HeidiI have learned that two years without my Son brings no more peace than it does pain. In my constant battle, with one or the other perpetually crashing into me, I have discovered a new wave of sorts. This one doesn’t slam into me, and the others in grief around me, but it consumes us. I can’t put my finger on exactly what it is, but my Dad told me a story on the night of the 22nd that can sum it up. It was around 8:30 when he called and the sadness had pinched and poked at me all day. I was just settling in to join it and begin torturing myself by spreading all the pictures out on the floor to study J.T.’s eyes trying to discover some emotion I hadn’t seen before when the phone rang. It was Dad asking me how I was doing and I responded “…oh I’m alright, what are you up to?” His voice suddenly changed from that calm mild mannered Dad voice and took on a more mischievous tone when he said “Guess what I did today!?” Now I have to admit this intrigued me because Dad is by no means a boring guy, but he is smart, even tempered, and dependable. So for my 63 year old Dad to tell me that he rode his bike behind the park to a place where there are motor cross trails made me laugh. He said he rode over the fifteen foot drops at full speed ahead, then he told me that one hill got the best of him and that he fell off and his back now looks like hamburger, but he just got back up shouted J.T.’s signature “woo-hoo!” and kept going. I didn’t have to ask why he did it, I knew it was for J.T. I knew J.T. was the only grandchild Dad has that could convince him to ride those trails, and I knew it was the very spirit of J.T. that had slammed into Dad and instead of knocking him down, consumed him. Dad ended the conversation by telling me he was fine, he knew I would get a kick out of it and it actually made him feel great. Perhaps a couple of hours spent with the adventurous spirit of J.T. consuming us we would all feel a little better and I found myself contented to discover it has the ability to do so.
Monday, June 15, 2009, 03:33 PM ( 16 views ) - Posted by HeidiAt one it was all smiles and four teeth to skin a pea. He didn’t speak to us at all only pointed and held his bottle with his feet. Then came two and it was dogs and trucks, everything was a dog or a truck, the fireplace, mom’s cat, the garden hose anything could fit into one of those two categories. When he turned four Madie went to school, he cried and laid his head in his hands and spent the rest of the day trying to make Kenny play with him, asking when Sissy would be home. At six he started school, the memories all documented in precious photographs, the pumpkin farm and the fire house. He found his love for friends, learning and paper and pens. He wrote his name on everything and always had a list, I love to read them now hidden in the third drawer on the left side of his dresser. At eight it was camping, peeing outside and playing cowboys with Kenny. He was all boy dressed in work boots and a black t-shirt so he looked like Granddad. At nine he loved football and his bike, it is still parked there by the shed gathering dust, waiting. The surf board hangs on the wall in the barn, the paper and pens sit up in his room with the bird house he built and his work boots at the foot of his bed. Everything waiting for more memories as I am. This is what I have for sure, the memories of what was but it’s what I don’t that have haunts me. What might have been? What would ten have brought or twelve or sixteen? The longing to know feels like torture to my psyche as my imagination works overtime trying to finish a puzzle with so many beautiful pieces missing.